Beyond The Shadows

Cold.

2007-06-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I just don't get why they can't leave me one thing in my life that I personally like.

And I picked out.

Not something they picked out for me.

I love him with all my heart.

He makes me happy.

He makes me feel loved.

He makes me feel like I am worthy of SOMETHING.

He makes my past...my past.

He is everything to me.

Why cant they just accept that?

...

I don't get parents.

They judge, and sterotype more than the biggest stuckup people in the world.

They should be very proud of theirselfs,

bc my life is a living hell,

without him.

And they just took him away,

the only thing that mattered the most to me.

And they just threw it away.

How can they be so cold?

Listening.

2007-06-14T09:25:00.001-07:00

Its new day,

With the same thoughts running through my head.

-i have a piece of glass right there in my closet. just grab it KoKo GRAB IT.

--but i wont, i cant. im trying to control it.

...

I told my mother everything.

In an email.

I told her I want to go to Rehab.

I hope she listens to me.

...

KoKo

Getting Help.

2007-06-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

I told my cousin about me and my life.

We have decided....

I have decided.

Imma tell my mother.

and tell her I choose

rehab.

I think it will help me.

...

i need it.

Im looking....

2007-06-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

Im looking up homes for teens like me. I don't think i will go, but its just the thought.

Of knowing I have a place to go, that would understand me. Help me.

Get me to understand.

...

Maybe I should go.

I dontknow.

Is It true?

2007-06-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

Is it true? Am I still holding onto my Uncle? I thought i was over that? I got help with that.
God. Why did i tell her? I dragged her into this, and i know i shouldn't have.
All it is going to do to her, is make her more protective. I should have thought about that.
Damn it KoKo! wat to do wat to do wat to do....????
Can I stop this?
----No.
Should I be sent away?
----idk. maybe.
I'm scared.
I cant lose my boyfriend. he will think I'm freaking crazy. he wont like me anymore. god.
and my parents, my family, my friends. what will they think of me?
"Oh yeah shes just another deadbeat" GOD!
I cant handle this.
...
Once again,
A year later,
I am the girl who sits in the dark corner
afraid of the light
where someone will spot
the blood in the pot
the pain that overcomes my desires.
...
its a fact...
I'm FREAKING psychotic!!!!!!!

i dont know. 2nd blog.

2007-06-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

I dont know.

I should be happy.

This is to much.

I have everything I want.

A boyfriend who I love.

-But who wont call me.

--causing stress and anger.

A amazzing cousin.

-who is just badass.

a bestfriend.

-who isnt here.

...

SO whats wrong with me?

This hasnt happened for a whole year.

why is it starting again.

the last time i did anything was about a month ago.

But the thoughts keep popping up.

But i am blocking them out.

I am having a blast with my cousin.

she helps me and she doesnt even know it.

I know I am crazy.

I am...

i know i should be sent away.

But no one else does.

bc i am so good at hiding it.

but its becoming really hard to.

Its stronger.

than before.

I just dont know what to do...

Should I be here?

Or should I be in a home?

Am I crazy?

.or.

Am I sane?

Disorder.

2007-06-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

Am I sane? Or Am I crazy? Should I stay or should I go?
The questions taunt my head...my brain.
I don't know whats bringing this all back up into the open.
But its strong.

I am KoKo. I am a young Teenage girl.

I don't know what I am.

Sane?-Crazy?

I don't know.

If you have read some of my writing,

You would prob. call me crazy.

I don't know if i am doing this because it helps me.

or bc i want to be sent away.

I just don't know.

Along time ago, A death happened.

It effected me bad.

I started to take a broken piece of glass across my wrist.

I got help from a therapist.

I lied to her though.

She asked me if I have ever wrote a suicide note.

I answered that with a " No".

The truth is...

I wrote one.

I kissed it.

I marked it with blood.

Then I tore it up into small little pieces.

and through them into the river and watched them float away.

From then on I just wrote and wrote ,

like poems and stuff.

Then, I started to get stressed about stuff and angry.

And it all began again.

Then and there I realized back then,

that i didn't do it just because i thought it would help,

I did it all the time because I was Addicted to it.

My cutting has become an Addiction

towards my emotions.

...

Now,

Lets ask that question again shall we?

Am I sane?

.or.

Am I crazy?